|
cam_p
|
read my profile
sign my guestbook
Name: Cameron
Birthday: 3/6/1985
Gender: Male
Interests: music, jesus, motorcycles, tattoos. bringing the rock.
Expertise: bringing the effing rock.
Occupation: Artist
Industry: Entertainment
Message: message me
AIM:  snare jrummer
Member Since:
10/31/2004
|
|
SubscriptionsSites I Read
|
|
|
|
| there is something so important in this world that used to seem abundant, but growing older has made me see how rare it is. it is found in the hearts of warm hearted innocent people. sure, it's a youthful thing... i guess it's the same thing as splendor in the grass and glory in the flower... or staying gold. those who've held onto it are truly the last of a dying breed. sometimes i wonder if they still exist... sometimes i wonder if i'm still one of them... maybe they don't exist.... maybe this thing that i hold so important is merely an idealistic dream. if i could grasp a piece of it before it completely faded out, it would be the last of my dying dream. and so it is there that i found the name for my acoustic solo project. i should have been studying the past few days.... but i've just had a song inside of me that i had to get out, or i think i would die. the topic is a very sensative subject, but i sincerely think i addressed it tatsefully, and had the most loving and selfless intentions with it.
Sleep sweetly in heaven, my first love.
As you did when the angels first found you
Floating high up above while the gas filled your lungs
The world slowly fading away.
And all these years, left us so far removed
I was guiltily apathetic, my heart was so callused when I
got the news
A stranger in back of the church house
A few faces familiar and sad
My life slipped away as if just for that day
And my youth slowly came into view
Your mother cried violently
As they held her back
The photos of us growing up
For me to breathe became too much
Could not stay intact
And all the pain, that had latched on to you
Lost its power when you chose this
But I never thought this was what you would choose.
Well, the law's bearin' down on my back now
But I can't say that things are too bad
I'm still serving the lord and chasin' that girl
Who's cruel father makes her so sad
And as I recall the last time
I saw you alive
You saw the way I looked at her
And said to me how proud you were
I didn't change with time.
Well, I'm proud of you, and the life that you lived
You'll be waiting in his arms,
when my heart fails to beat and I see you again.
"Her eyes were wide and brown and had this spark that never
left them. I will always remember her
smiling. And not with that yearbook photo smile, but with this sly and
mischievous grin. There was so much
intelligence, confidence, curiosity, humor, and life behind that smile.
And even with the past two years, no matter what, I knew that grin was always
there somewhere. And we loved her for it. Everyone in this room
did. And she loved us all back, and she still does. We all need to
remember that."
Sleep sweetly in heaven, my first love
As you did once while lying next to me.
| | |
| recent events have left me in a bit of a state of pondering, which was
followed by an epiphany. i have just come to realize how out of touch
i myself, and the culture which i live in is greatly seperated from the
so-called "real world." i don't even mean that term to souly represent
the adult job market, iether. in a way i do, but i think i might be
seperated by even another layer. my roomate is on his post-degree
voyage for success in the business market. he keeps urging me to
become a "legit rich lawyer." i guess that's where my path is headed,
but i've been prolonging my future arrival at the final destination
more and more as time goes on. i will be twenty two very soon, and i
am by no means an adult. even though i am far from being the oldest in
my "community," i do tend to enjoy the company of people alot younger
than me. i fit in better in an enviroment that just doesn't take
things that seriously. i am a poor, dirty, half-irresponsible, liberal
arts fag intellectual, pseudo accomplished musican who has been halfway
mooching off his lower-middle class parents since the mid 80's. it's
no secret i've always been a pretty big fan of innocence and youth -
the wordsworth references on the back of my left arm are a good
indicator of that. bottom line = i just really don't want to grow up.
i don't want to be taken seriously. if it didn't cost so much money
and not provide food and lodging for me, i think i would like to just
read books and go discuss them with people alot smarter than me in a
classroom setting then play music on the weekends and every day all
summer. i have some friends that might say i need to be hosed down to
"wash the denton off of me" for thoughts like that. these ideals might
seem noble, however they're not congruent with functioning in society.
i'm not even sure how i've pulled it off for so long. what respectable
lady would want to marry a dude like that? would i even want to marry
one??? the fascination with marriage of my late teens is definately a
burned out star now. that confuses the crap out of me, because it
throws off my entire system of causality that motivates my every
action. difficult things might be being endured in vain! why would i
give such a crap about my gpa being perfect if it wasn't going to serve
the purpose of getting me into a good law school, which itself would
only be means to the end of providing for a family. unless i make the
transition from my earlier described state into that of one who has
assimilated... that end would be unattainable even if i had
accomplished all the difficult means that precede it (DUE TO THE LACK
OF THE EASIEST TO ATTAIN BUT MOST NECESSARY MEANS - MY OWN WILL).
if there's an apple on the table in front of you - you should eat
it.... though i have thrown lots more than perfectly good nourishment
in the metaphorical trash can. i don't know. i am blabbing. point
being - i don't want to grow up.
though there is one
obviously huge hindernace literally binding me to my chair (i'm
thinking that's just going to work itself out), there's alot more on
the table in front of me right now than an apple. i guess i just don't
have an appetite right now - which seems acceptable... however we're
talking about the same guy that used to eat whole large pizzas for a
mid-day snack - so i'm not sure my desired actions are really
consistent with my nature.
----edit----
after writing this some friends came over, and i planned to read some
hobbes and rawls afterwards. in order to stay alert for such
activites, i drank alot of coffee and mountain dew (credit to jay for
bringing an 18 pack of the dew to bible study). i'm currently tripping
out on a weird caffeine/sugar rush to where my body is operating at
about 110% and my brain is sitting at about 2%. if the hypothetical
state of nature was so poor brutish and short, i think those who would
have been involved must have drank alot of mountian dew.
that and i can't focus, because i keep thinking about asking merrell
and i's biology professor what keeps him going every day since he hates
this "non-existent" judeo-christian God so much.... becasue i can't
figure it out.
| | |
| to write something, but i think that i don't have any feelings or opinions concerning anything, so what's the point?
| | |
| this is my life summed up in things that won't make sense
to anyone probably. some of it is good some of it is bad.
vagrant no
militia group no
tooth and nail no
beer i miss you
bible yes
money no
lifting weights yes
school yes
law school i don't think i'm gonna get in
females no
new APT yes
cisco thinking about it
blood and ink who cares
deep elm i guess that's cool
vagrant why do you make me so sad?
bugler i can't escape you
| | |
| and if my steps turn from the path
or if my heart has been led by my eyes
or if my hands have been defiled
then may others reap what i have sewn.
better that i dwell in the house of the lord
who upholds all those who fall
than reap this harvest of life waged in the flesh.
for what do i gain but the exchange of the truth for a lie?
a heart conditioned not to feel, callused by the nature of my pride.
| | |
|
